"Fat boy on a diet, don't try it. I'll snatch your ass like a looter in a riot..."

Okay, okay, okay. I didn't know my readers were so sensitive. I mean, only one person even took the time to respond with a comment. Some told me in person that I'm sick in the head. The rest didn't even bother to acknowledge my last post.

Fine. I'm sorry. Didn't know that puppy abortion was such a hot topic. I guess I'll skip writing my blog on gay homeless republicans. Can only imagine the backlash on that one. It's your loss too, it was really deep with interviews, charts and all that shit. Oh well.

I need your help, opinion really. I can't decide if I should start a secret society, or a cult. They both have their selling points. A secret society just frickin' sounds cool. I'm thinking somewhere in between the Royal Order of Water Buffaloes and the He-man Woman Haters Club. Handshakes, coded letters, a cool club house. We wouldn't be like the masons, none of our members could (or should) run for office. Just a few dozen people getting together every Tuesday to drink heavily and talk about all the people we won't let in our club.

But a cult sounds pretty damn cool too. Plus, if we do right, we can have a good tax shelter for our new 'religion'. I can give all my followers new names, no reason to keep your slave names. Damn the man! We could all wear robes and dance around like hippies. You would all worship me as a prophet and I would have many wives. No, scratch that, a harem. God knows I wouldn't want another wife. The whole point is to have fun. Just kidding honey, love ya.

I can't decide either way. So just to be on the safe side, come up with a cool handshake and go buy a jump suit and a new pair of sneakers.

Love you my children, Hail Bop!!