" I'm no Republicrat, no Demican or nothing in between. I'm sick and tired of people talkin' bout American dreams..."

Over the past few months, my people have been feeling out the waters for me. I've been waiting in the wings long enough. So, at the urging of my exploratory group, it gives me great pleasure to announce my intentions to run for the presidency in the 2008 elections, (or whenever they are).
Now I know what you are thinking, 'Dan, you're so cool already. Why would you want to take on more?'

Well my friends, I see it as my duty to lead you into the light. No, scratch that. That makes me sound like the ghost whisperer. I'm running because I believe in a brighter future. I'm running because I can make a difference. I'm running because I care. But most of all, I'm running because I want a bigger house.

As president, I promise pot in every chicken. Free step stools for all midgets. I would eliminate crime as well as Thursday. No American would go without health care or decent coffee. I will focus hard on education and on strippers, not to mention educating strippers. "A thong is a terrible thing to waste". I will end our homeless problem by enlisting them into our army, and their first tour as the 'Stinky Soldiers' is to storm the beaches of Rhode Island. Do we really need a state that small? Strengthening the borders is a priority I will not take lightly. Those damn Canadians have been too cocky for long enough. I dig maple syrup and Rush just as much as the next guy, but someone has to pay for sending over Celine Dion, (I think she's from Canada). I would balance the budget by borrowing money from Switzerland, and then when it's time to pay them back, we'll just nuke them. My presidency will be the first truly green administration. I would cut down on emissions by eliminating NASCAR, monster truck rallies, and old people.

In the following weeks I will be announcing not only my running mate, but my entire cabinet. That way the people know what I'm all about and have plenty of time to kiss my ass to get a cushy job. Don't bother applying for the Secretary of Mayhem, that already belongs to Rudy. But the rest are up for grabs so let me know what office you want to hold.

So remember people, vote early and vote often, because the Debaucherist Party is is going to bum rush the White House!

Awww yeah!!!